You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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