Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
