dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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