Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
