my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
