I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
