some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
