I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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