so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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