Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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