it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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