I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
