Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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