haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize