Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
