here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
