My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
