My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Terrible idea I love it
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
