I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
