Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
