I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
