Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
