It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
