Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
