At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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