do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
