Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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