Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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