My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
