Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
