Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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