its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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