The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
