It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
