I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
