You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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