I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
