Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
