are you still at the devil's house?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
