You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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