I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize