In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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