Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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