I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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