Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
