Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
