I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
