The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
