my room smells like sperm. sweet.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
