so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
PS: I just woke up from my shower
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
