Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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