Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
