I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
