I can tuck mytits in my pants
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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