I wish you could order shots online.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
