super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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