Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
