it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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