I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
