just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
