I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
