shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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