this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Randomize
