So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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