My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
