She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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