Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
