this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
