So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
