my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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