I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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