Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
