I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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